


right now

by softambrollins



Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, post-Dean leaving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24849448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: He's let Dean go a million times and maybe he should've known that this day would come when he couldn't take it back even when he wants to more than anything.He always told himself,Next time.Next time he'd go after him. Next time he'd be braver. Next time he'd have more faith in them. Next time he'd finally let himself be happy. Fuck the consequences.But there's no next time now. Dean's gone for good this time and he can't get any of those chances back ever again.
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Kudos: 29





	right now

On the last night, Seth just stands there outside the arena and watches as Dean walks across the parking lot, gets in his car and drives away. Never to return.

He just keeps standing there, not moving at all, as the car retreats into the distance, getting smaller and smaller until his taillights are just tiny dots in the night and then they fade away completely. Taking him with them.

And he's gripped by a sudden, overwhelming urge to _stop_ him, to go after him. Even though he knows he can't, he's already too far to reach. But it's not an unfamiliar impulse in the slightest. He's watched Dean walk away for years. Smiling at him conspiratorially before slipping down the hall to his hotel room in the middle of the night, pulling him close into a brief hug before heading back to the locker room when they got backstage after a gruelling match, swaggering across dark parking lots just like this all over the country and the world, waving a nonchalant hand above his head as he went, high on alcohol or adrenaline or life. Leaving him there all alone. And he never stopped him, not once, even though he always, always wanted to. He always thought that there were more important things, or he couldn't risk ruining what they had, or it just wasn't the right time. 

Dean's broken his heart and stepped on the pieces and left him there, lying on cold concrete, with nothing but his own guilt for company, everything in his chest carved out, aching and hollow, thinking he deserved it. And he almost couldn't save him from that, because it would mean looking at himself, his own failures, because he was so scared that he couldn't fix it. That he wasn't enough to bring Dean back, to make him whole again. Seth's too good at destroying things and Dean's been shattered and put back together too many times. One wrong move and it would all turn to dust in his hands again.

He's let Dean go a million times and maybe he should've known that this day would come when he couldn't take it back even when he wants to more than anything. 

He always told himself, _Next time._ Next time he'd go after him. Next time he'd be braver. Next time he'd have more faith in them. Next time he'd finally let himself be happy. Fuck the consequences.

But there's no next time now. Dean's gone for good this time and he can't get any of those chances back ever again. 

Now all his excuses feel empty and tragically insignificant. It's ironic, really, and maybe just what he deserves, that the one time he can't follow him anymore is when it feels like the _need_ is going to physically tear him apart. 

*

A few days later, he shows up at Dean's house unannounced and Dean's just standing there looking at him like he's wondering if he's gone mad all of a sudden and maybe he _has_. And it's what he wanted, this moment, right here, all he ever wanted, and it doesn't matter whether or not he's strong enough to do this, because he doesn't have a choice anymore.

"What are you doing here?" Dean finally asks, eyes narrowed in confusion, almost bordering on concern. 

Seth doesn't say anything, just raises his eyes from the ground up to Dean's, meeting them head-on, gaze clear and steady. Somehow it feels like the first time they've really _looked_ at each other.

And Dean's eyes just go a bit wider and his bottom lip falls open slightly and Seth knows that he _knows._ Knows why he's here. Knows everything all at once. Because he can't keep it in anymore without feeling like the weight of it is going to choke the life out of him. He doesn't _want_ to anymore. And it's never really been a secret.

This is just an acknowledgement of what's always been there between them, impossible to hide, but that they've made a silent agreement not to look at or touch or disturb. Until now.

Now, it's the only fucking thing they can see in the whole world. Like a tint colouring their view. Their eyes met and it's like it put a gaping crack in everything. And now it's pressing in on them and spilling out from inside them and they can't contain any of it. It's like he's cut his veins open and he's bleeding all over Dean's clean, white kitchen floor.

Dean blinks at him a few times in rapid succession and then finally tears his eyes away from Seth, swallowing hard. And then he takes a small, precarious step back like he's been knocked unbalanced by the force of his stare or something else, the truth finally being brought into the light. " _Oh_ ," he says, a low, heavy exhale, like all the air's been punched out of his lungs. 

"Yeah," Seth breathes in confirmation, with a nod that's barely there.

"Seriously?" Dean says now, almost a demand, his voice kind of strained and hoarse. And he's still not looking at him, eyes going wild and unfocused, his expression troubled and disbelieving like his brain's struggling to catch up with everything that's happening, to process it and make sense of it. 

"Yeah," Seth says again, firmer this time, final. And there's no going back now, no putting it back in the box. And that's what he wanted.

"Why now?" Dean says, finally looking back up at him with an incredulous look on his face. 

Seth just gazes back at him with a soft, sad expression. "I'm just _tired_ , Dean. The last two years have been fucking exhausting. The three of us finally got back together and then Roman was sick and then you were gone, for so long, and then you came back and it was all different, _you_ were different even when I didn't want to see it, and then Roman was… _gone_ and everything just went to shit and I couldn't fucking deal with any of it and then he came back and then you _left_ …for good. And here we are now. And I feel like I haven't a single moment to think about any of _this_ , to want anything for myself, to fucking _breathe_ , because it's just been one hit after another and my entire life just keeps being levelled like a fucking hurricane over and over again. So I didn't let myself want anything _real_. I couldn't see past any of it five minutes into the future. Because I didn't know if it would last that long. There's _never_ been a good time. So why _not_ now?"

"That's just...fucking _life_ , Seth," Dean says, teeth gritted in frustration.

"I know. I _know_ that. I thought I could control it, that I could create one perfect moment out of the chaos, but I was so stupid. I can't control _anything_. I know that now. So now I'm _here_ ," he finishes evenly.

"How can you be sure? That this is really what you want now?" Dean says, voice weaker, shaky now. Like maybe he's doubting his conviction, maybe he thinks that Seth's just built this up in his mind over the years into something it's not. Like it's just the idea of it that he wants. Like maybe it's not worth the risk. But Seth's been doubting himself for much, much longer, all the things he wants and thinks he wants, and there's one thing he always comes back to.

Seth steps forward until he's within arm's length of Dean, looks him right in the eyes again, up close.

"I've _always_ been sure," he tells him honestly. "Everything's changed so much, the whole damn world has changed, but _this_ never changes."

Dean just goes completely still and silent for what feels like forever, face impassive and distant.

"You okay?" Seth eventually asks. 

Dean doesn't answer, like he doesn't even have the words to begin.

He tentatively extends his hand out towards him but Dean just slowly pulls his arm away out of his reach. Seth lets out a breath, head dropping low on his shoulders until he's staring at the floor, curls his hand into a fist at his side around cold, empty air.

And maybe he should've expected this. Of course Dean feels like he's being ambushed right now. Maybe he needs time. Maybe he should've called, given him some warning, but he _had_ to come here, had to look him in the face. Had to know for sure. He couldn't let it slip away again. He had to try. Even if it's too late now. 

Seth lifts his head back up to regard him curiously. To see if maybe he's made a mess of it again. If this was all wrong.

Dean just squeezes his eyes shut tightly for a long moment, brings his hand up to firmly massage his fingers over his temples. Then he seems to shake it off and takes a breath before dropping his hand and looking back at him. 

"Yeah, I just — This is a fucking _lot_ , you know," he says quietly, voice rough.

"I know," Seth says soothingly.

"You could've fucking _said_ something. A long time ago." He doesn't sound angry at _Seth_ though. It's like he's just as angry at himself, the world, life, all the stupid, futile things that are out of their control, all the obstacles in their path, some of which they put there themselves. Seth wants to fucking demolish all of them until there's nothing left on earth but him and Dean, just _this_ , the way it was supposed to be.

"I know. I fucking _know_ that. That's on me for being a fucking coward. And I can't change that now. As much as I wanna go back and kick the shit out of myself for being an idiot and letting you go so many times," he says, feeling raw and desperate now. 

"I'm the one who walked away. When I didn't _want_ to leave you behind. Because I thought it was the right thing to do," Dean concedes after a moment.

"If you'd asked," Seth tells him, throat tight. "I would've said yes in a heartbeat."

"You know, for a long time, I couldn't look at you without seeing all the bad shit in my life," Dean admits, and that still fucking _hurts_ but he can't say he doesn't understand. "All the pain and blood and mistakes. I thought it would always be like that. That I would be cursed to never have the one thing I wanted the most."

They just stand there looking at each other, and it's so, so quiet suddenly, like they've both stopped breathing. Like the world has stopped turning beneath their feet. 

After a moment passes, he reaches up and rests his fingers carefully on Dean's cheek and gently meets his eyes. And Dean doesn't pull away this time. Seth feels him lean into his touch, just barely, like he can't resist.

"What about now?" he murmurs breathlessly. And it feels like he's looking happiness right in the face and he's not blinking this time. Like he's finally brave enough to reach out and take it, like he deserves it, like it belongs to him. He's gonna hold on with everything he has and never let it go.

"I don't see that anymore. I just see _you_. I just see what's in front of me now," Dean tells him firmly.

"I don't care what happens tomorrow, what happens a month from now, a year from now. I just want this. Want _you_. Right now. As long as I can have you," Seth says, pressing his forehead to Dean's, feeling his breath on his lips.

"Fuck the past. And fuck tomorrow," Dean decides finally. "We've waited too damn long already."

"Yeah," Seth agrees, a faint smile touching his lips. And then Dean closes the distance and kisses him finally, soft and slow and warm, but he can feel the heat and hunger in Dean's body, fitting right against his like they were made for this, and it's everything he wanted, everything he's waited for, but also something new and better and like some whole other life now starting. And for the first time in forever, he can't wait to see what comes next.


End file.
